To my beautiful girls...

To Kristen, Jessica, Elise, and Hannah. I am so blessed to have you in my life. You are all beautiful inside and out. I love you so much, and don't know what I would do without you in my life. I read this book and recorded my journey for you. I would love for you to share some of your experiences as you read the and take the challenges in the book, "21 Days Closer to Christ."

Day Twenty-One - The Celebration!

Wow! What a journey, a learning journey that I hope to continue throughout my life. I am at the end of these twenty-one days, but at the beginning of my journey also. What a celebration! I'm sitting here at the computer pondering my wonderful blessings. For truly I am a daughter of God, who loves me. I'm filled with emotion as I feel the Saviors love for me. He knows me, and I feel this when my heart is softened. Yes, indeed I battle with the "natural man." What monument will be leaving after "crossing the red sea" of life? What am I taking with me through the journey? What burdens will a drop off at the Savior's feet? He knows me, and will give me those burdens for me to carry through my path.

Day Twenty

Abide with me - is my prayer for the morning.
Reading the scriptures brings me closer to Christ. This I know.
At the end of a journey there is a feeling of accomplishment and growth. I am a stronger person for taking this journey.
I can accomplish hard things through Christ, if I but reach out to him.

These are a few of my thoughts this morning.

Day Nineteen

In my greatest hour of need... Reach toward Christ. He will ease my burdens and make them light.

My daughter is dealing with sad stuff. My apartment is not getting rented, and I have to drop the rental price. I have a load of things to do today that seem to be hanging over me. My cat of twelve years is under my bed, she is very sick and weak. My XD card in my camera got messed up and I lost my pictures from May to now. Carson went to school without a coat, lost his shoes, and had an attitude- left me feeling like I'm the "bad mom."

I jumped out of bed this morning on the run, ate banana cream pie (yeah for my diet), got boys off to school, and now here I am. Ready to fill my spirit. Maybe I should first start off my day with at least a prayer.

I have to work hard to fight off the natural man tendencies that seem to meet me, follow me, and want me always. Dear Heavenly Father, give me some strength. Help me feel your peace. Let my mind be clear, and my heart be filled with love. Let me face the challenges of the day, with a peaceful and calm spirit.

Now I will go and do my day...

Day Eighteen

It's very painful to watch your child struggle in life, by making bad choices. Many years ago, as my child became a young adult, I learned the meaning of "free agency." One day I felt almost all resources were exhausted, I took one last step to try and answer the questions of "what can I do for my son?" I fell to my knees, and pleaded with the Lord for an answer. The answer came through a "still small voice." "He is My son also. Love him with all your might. Pray for him with all of your power. Go to the temple." At that point I made a commitment that I would go to the temple more regularly, and love and pray for my son. That is all I could do, and at that time I thought it would take a miracle to soften my son's heart.

I am very grateful to the Savior for my son's life. He and his beautiful wife and two young children were sealed in the temple this March.

Day Seventeen

Do I willingly give all I have to serve the Lord? In my church calling? As a wife? My role as a mother? As a neighbor or friend? At the temple this week, I covenanted to give everything I have to building up the Kingdom of God. Do I fall short? Yes, indeed I do. I like to look at the overall picture though, it seems a little better.

Giving my all as a mother... I have great relationships with my grown children, and grandchildren. My patience is waining when it comes to my teenage boys. I never knew how much they could tax me. Am I giving my all when it comes to raising my boys?

I accept church callings, even when they are difficult to accept. I am willing to take on any church calling and give it my all.

As a wife? Mostly yes, however I do have my moments, days, and issues. That is a question for another blog.

As a neighbor or friend? I could do better. Yes, I could.

My spiritual growth? I'm trying to be more in tune with the Spirit, by studying the scriptures and saying more meaningful prayers. It's a constant battle with my natural self. But, I'm not giving up.

Day Sixteen

Short blog today. I have my 18 month grandbaby on my lap. The house is not quiet. Life is pressing challenges that stretch my abilities as a mother. "If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth." Mark 9:23

11:35 pm - After a day of pondering on the subject of prayer, and how prayers are answered, I have come upon a more clearer understanding. There are very important gospel principles we learn as we pray. One is to have faith, and partake of the Lord's blessings. He has many blessings for us to receive, and are obtained through obedience and faith. The other part to prayer is that as we learn to submit to God's will, we will have faith that what we are blessed with will help us grow, and give us strength and knowledge.

Day Fifteen

It is joyful to ponder in the quietness of my home in the early hours of the morning. It is quiet inside, and outside I hear only a soft humming noise, proving that life is going on. Like life, if I can keep it quiet in the inside, it softens the humming noise of my day. Inspiration can flow, peaceful thoughts come to mind, calmness is achieved.

Afternoon time makes way to teenagers whining about homework, and chores, teasing and roughhousing. They need. Babies could be here, maybe even my grown children. They need. The phone will be ringing, my husband will be calling. He needs. Dinner to be made. Messes to be made. Many things to accomplish before night settles in. I need.

Keep it quiet in the inside. The humming noise can actually be peaceful as I serve. I give, I serve, I am filled.

Day Fourteen

Along the journey today, I will choose to use my gift to uplift and serve someone in need. I know what I have to do today to accomplish this journey.

As for the questions in this chapter... Why are they so hard for me to answer? I have to really ponder on them. I will type them out here, and then think about them throughout the day and get back here tonight and see what I came up with for answers.

Questions:
"What motivates you spiritually?
What is one gospel subject that you enjoy studying?
What meaningful activities bring you the most joy?
Which of those activities help you feel closer to Christ?
What qualities do you have that can help others feel closer to Christ?"

Answers:
Positive streams of energy and thoughts flowing through me (Holy Ghost directing me).
Love and service, following the Spirit, feeling the love of God.
Connecting with people, fulfilling relationships, helping others.
Connecting with people, fulfilling relationships, and serving others.
Listening, having compassion, connecting, and serving.

Day Thirteen

"Who is among you that feareth the Lord, that obeyeth the voice of his servant, that walketh in darkness, and hath no light? " Isaiah 50:10

Me. Fear the Lord. Obey the counsel of the Prophet. Walk in darkness. Have no light. Yes, this is a very good description of apathy. This is the very thing I have been thinking about over the past few months. Go through the motions, but feel spiritually sluggish.

Example:
Testimony meeting..."Ho hum, not feeling it, don't think of bearing my testimony, for I need strength from others."
Family scripture reading..."OK, hurry hurry, need to get going today."
Personal prayers..."Not feeling it, say a few memorized clichés, it's better than nothing, right?"
Personal scripture study..."I'm a little sporadic, but very busy. Sooner or later life will calm down, and I'll be more consistent."

Here is my "natural man" coming out again. I know exactly what I need to do. But, somehow I find myself in a pit of apathy. Isaiah in chapter 50:11 explains my situation further. "Behold, all ye that kindle a fire, that compass yourselves about with sparks: walk in the light of your fire, and in the sparks that ye have kindled. This shall ye have of mine hand; ye shall lie down in sorrow."

So the chapter in today's book is perfect for getting out of this pit. I will take the journey of the day.

Ways I have been able to turn to the Lord for direction and support... This is an attitude thing. If I lose my pride, and submit, almost automatically I feel the Spirit. I am directed continually throughout my day. Calm feelings and peacefulness come over me. I'm happier, able to feel the Spirit, listen to that "still small voice," and be directed in all things. I feel softer, more kind, more loving. My thoughts are more clear and directive. My prayers come from the heart not the logical check off list of just things I need and things I'm grateful for.

Ways I have been able to trust the Lord...Let go of the "sparks that I have kindled." I not sure if that makes sense at a logical frame of mind, but in my spiritual mind, it makes perfect sense. Let me not walk in the "sparks of my own fire, and compass myself in these sparks." Be open to the Saviors' love. Open and trusting, that's it.

Day Twelve

My Oh My, Life! What? Craziness! How long did it take me to get to day 12? Eight days. I'm still trying to "calm the storm". Maybe I should actually read my scriptures, and say meaningful personal prayers. Maybe it actually would help if I would do what this book suggests. So, here I am again. Ready and willing. . .

After reading today's chapter and scripture verses, with tears, I am now writing.

My natural ways do take over so easily. I have gone eight days without reading my scriptures. Eight days when I have felt frustrated by life. Eight days where I could have just sat for a moment and read the message for the day, and been strengthened. And here in Luke 17:19, the message is clear to me this morning. "Arise, go thy way: thy faith hath made thee whole." Arise Nadine, take on the challenges of life. I can do this with the Saviors' help.

With tears, and much emotion, I am feeling the Saviors love for me. I will reach for Him and ask for his help with all my challenges of the day. I'm so sure at this moment, that if I do this, I will be blessed with peace in my life.

Why did I go eight days without filling my cup, and starving my spirit to death? I don't need to answer this question, I just need to arise and go do my life with faith in my Savior. I know by doing this I can overcome any challenge I face.

Day Eleven

Calm the Storm. . . I feel like life has been a storm this past week. Now, I am sitting quietly in my bedroom, and for this first time in days, I've been calm and quiet enough to ponder.

There are so many tasks to take care of. Struggles, worries, and pains come daily over this or that. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with everything. I do things like a robot; just move through life in a bland way, accomplishing the necessities, but not taking the time to find the joyful moments. This morning while pondering in a quiet place, I realize that there is a storm inside of me, and that is what I am trying to calm by my robotic joyless actions. There is a better way.

Acts 17:27 "Seek the Lord...(for) he be not far from every one of us."

I know this. When I am truly seeking the Lord, I have a calmness throughout my day. I face life with energy and feel peaceful even in times where there isn't much peace.

Nephi 25:26, "Talk of Christ, rejoice in Christ, and preach of Christ..." When I do this I develop a personal relationship with the Savior. If I do this daily, I will find the peace I need to live life with more abundance and joy.

Day Ten

"And the Lord said, Nadine, Nadine, behold, Satan hath desired to have you, that he may sift you as wheat: But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not: and when thou are converted, strengthen thy brethren."

The Savior prays for me that I may keep my faith. I am in a war with Satan. He wants to sift me as wheat. I need to strengthen the people around me: my boys, my husband, my adult children, my friends, the people I meet each day. Strengthen them. That is what I need to focus on today.

Day Nine

"Render all the thanks and praise which your whole soul has power to possess, to that God who has created you, and has kept and preserved you, and has caused that ye should rejoice..." Mosiah 2:20 Today's reading challenge is King Benjamin's talk in Mosiah. I liked that scripture, so I thought I would share.

The challenge has to do with following words of the Prophets. Just as ancient prophets such as King Benjamin had the keys the prophet and our church leaders have keys. We get specific and personal guidance for our day and our time. What a great blessing! The conference talk that I really loved was the talk by President Eyring in the Sunday morning session. I will share a few quotes:

"Different as we are in circumstances and experiences, we share a desire to become better than we are. There may be a few who mistakenly feel they are good enough and a few who have given up trying to be better. But, for all, the message of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ is that we can and must expect to become better as long as we live."

"Love is the motivating principle by which the Lord leads us along the way towards becoming like Him, our perfect example. Our way of life, hour by hour, must be filled with the love of God and love for others. There is no surprise in that, since the Lord proclaimed those as the first and great commandments. It is love of God that will lead us to keep His commandments. And love of others is at the heart of our capacity to obey Him."

"Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion’s joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion."

I loved the entire talk.

Day Eight

"Listen to the still small voice, listen listen.
When you have to make a choice,
He will guide you always."

How do I know that I am following the Lord's will? How are my prayers answered?

Often there is a small voice that speaks to me. While reading the words of President Monson yesterday morning, the small voice told me that I should call a friend. This morning a small voice said, "Have patience, Carson will be fine after he forgets about what he's sulking about."

Then there are experiences where the small voice comes to me with much force and emotion. There is no mistaking that thoughts and words come from the love of God. The following story is an example of a time when I was guided to make a very big decision.

In October 2000, we had the privilege of going to Kazakhstan, to adopt our two youngest boys. We had seen videos of our son Dallin, and arranged to meet him and work through the adoption procedures while we were staying in the country. We didn't especially plan on adopting Carson, but the option of adopting two boys was on our minds.

The first day we arrived, we met Dallin. He was a beautiful child, and we instantly fell in love with him. He ran into our arms while saying "Mama! Papa!" He kissed us and hugged us over and over again. This brought tears to our eyes, and we witnessed a true miracle and were overcome by the power of this spiritual experience.

The women at the orphanage told us to take Dallin home to our apartment, and moments later we were on our way with our driver, interpreter, and facilitator, Sergeiy, while laughing with and loving this little five year old child. The first night with Dallin was amazing. All three of us were so excited we couldn't sleep. We all jumped into one bed, and played games with a flashlight, which Dallin told us was a "torchet." Eventhough we couldn't speak the same language we communicated our love to our little guy often. He taught us Russian words, and we taught him English.

The next morning we drove to an orphanage called the "Baby House." There were lots of smaller children and babies there, but when we arrived, they said there we already were adopting the best child in Kazakhstan, so we couldn't adopt any of those children except this one. They handed over Artuka, and said he should have been born a girl, because he cries all the time. He was a sad little guy, two years old, didn't respond much, with a scratched face and infection in his eyes. We tried to get him to warm up to us, by giving him chocolate, playing with some toys, and talking quietly to him. He was afraid of Dane, and I couldn't make any connection with him. He wouldn't even let Dane hold him. We stayed with him for quite some time, and then decided that maybe we could watch him in his group of children to see how he responded with them. We blew up a large punch ball, and threw it in this small room with about twenty two-year-old children. They all loved the ball, and ran around the room excitedly trying to catch it from above their heads. They all loved it except for Artuka, for he stayed over in a corner, and didn't play at all. We decided that he probably wouldn't work in our family. We felt some sadness about these children, and especially Artuka. As we were leaving the room, I glanced over at that sad little boy, and made eye contact. I felt a powerful and instant connection for the first and only time that day. It was an extremely emotional day, and we went to bed exhausted.

The next day we were going to drive to another city, and see some children. We were a little hesitant because we would need to leave Dallin at his orphanage. We didn't want to leave him at all, and thought it was very important for bonding reasons that we shouldn't leave. We decided that we were very blessed to have Dallin as our beautiful son, and we would not leave to go see other children. We would only be adopting Dallin.

During the night, Dane and I woke up together and felt the Spirit of God around us. With no uncertainty we were told that we needed to adopt Artuka. The feelings could not be denied. We both cried. We thought that maybe he was somewhat handicapped, and would need lots of psychological help. He had been a crib baby in an orphanage where he really wasn't liked very much. He was mentally delayed. We cried not just because of the powerful spiritual experience we felt, but also because we were afraid of what we would have to face in life with raising a challenged young child.

Nine years later. Carson (we changed his name) does great in school, he loves to talk to adults, he loves basketball, and cooking. We are so blessed that we listened. I love this young man! Look at his picture!

Day Seven

Today's challenge centers around prayer. "Run with patience and look to Christ." I am a runner, I know the challenge of the "5th" mile. I love finish lines. When life gets tough don't give up, just keep running. Say my prayers. Christ will see me though.

Ask. In Christ's name. Determine "which is good." "Believe that ye shall receive."

"Behold it shall be done unto you."

Day Six

Today the challenge is to look at a situation in which I want to make a change and try to look at it in a different way that would make it productive, by seeing what I need to do differently.

Situation. My boys are contentious. Often I don't want to be around them because they drive me crazy. It seems like the harder I try to get them to be nice to each other, the more they fight and quarrel.

See the situation with different eyes, with the Savior's eyes. Dallin and Carson are adopted. Does that make a difference? Does it make a difference that my youngest child was 14 when they were adopted? We would have been empty-nesters now if we didn't have the boys. Do I have issues of selfishness? Am I tired of dealing with disciplining my children? Maybe these are irrelevant questions. I need not to focus on these questions and move forward. This is the question and the only question I should ask myself. What would Christ do?

Christ loves these boys so much. He made it possible for them to come to our home and live in an environment where they could have parents, the gospel, an education, and their needs met. He also has blessed our lives with the privilege of parenting these boys. I have always known that it was a miracle that we were able to adopt Dallin and Carson. It is a privilege to be their parent and grow with the challenges.

Day Five

Today I will look for "tender mercies" - small blessings in my life.

My grown children are amazing blessings. My daughters and I love to go to lunch, eat lots of goodies, and then go to the gym together. That makes perfect sense!

Here I am sitting at the computer with a very beautiful baby boy on my lap. He has my cell phone in his mouth, which keeps his hands occupied only for a moment so I can type without his help. He's healthy, cute as can be, and I am so blessed to have him and my four other grandbabies in my life.

I look to my left and see a view of brilliant fall colors out my window. Every so often runners pass by, they are taking advantage of the cool air of fall. I am so blessed with health. In a few minutes my daughter Hannah and I will go for a run.

My parents gave me a stable childhood, thought I was special, taught me the importance of commitment, and took me to church every Sunday. Extended family ties bless my life.

The man I married loves to spend time with me, adores me, thinks I'm smart (he's right about that!), and has always been a good provider. We are best friends.

My bedroom is beautiful, fit for royalty. It's calling my name! Zzzzzzzz

Day Four

My challenge for day four is to think of a time when I relied on the Savior for strength beyond my own capabilities. This is my personal story.

When I was 37 years old, my mom was diagnosed with bone cancer, and after six months of watching her go through much pain and suffering, she died three days after Christmas. Caring for my mother during those last few months of her life was a life changing and a mentally excruciating experience. But, I will always cherish that time I could serve my sweet mother. It seemed as though a chapter closed in my life, and left me in a sad place.

Over the next couple of years, I battled depression. This is what depression feels like to me... I am out to sea. It is dark and blustery. Winds are howling, rain and cold sea water are splashing me. The roar of the ocean makes it impossible to hear any sounds or feel anything but fear. The only way I can get out of this place, is walk a long plank that takes me to the shore. It's so dark I cannot see the plank most of the time. It's slippery and wet, and I can't stay on it without help. I try to walk on it, but because of the challenges, I find myself back in the boat curled up in a little corner with a blanket covering my head.

Along with some anti-depressants and the following visualization, I finally overcame and got to the shore.

My Savior is out there on the plank. He speaks to me with encouragement, holds out His hands, and sometimes even carries me along the plank. As long as I am holding on to Him, he never lets me go. Even though, I'm filled with fear, as long as I focus on the peacefulness that surrounds Him, I can keep going along the plank. I have faith that I can make it with His help. If I slip, I quickly reach for Him.

I still use this visualization when I'm feeling depressed or anxious or just in need of some extra strength.

Day Four

Sorry about the negative post.

In todays' reading, it tells of the authors' great grandmother, and how she wrote this spiritual journal. The journal is so uplifting that the family gets together once a year to study the messages she left them.

So my post today was supposed to be spiritually uplifting and instead I wrote about my troubles with my son (which whom by the way is still in trouble, and I really don't know what to do about the situation).

I'm going to keep up with this 21-day quest, and I'll try to keep on task, but today's post just didn't turn out. Sorry!

My mother was an avid journal writer. Soon after she died, I sat down with her journal and wanted to know what she felt as she was going through the horrific painful death of bone cancer. There was nothing. The weather was beautiful outside, she went to the store, she had a little pain her legs, she needed to get finished doing this or that. What? Why didn't she tell me? I would have liked to know what she was feeling. She was so sure that complaining was not acceptable, that I didn't even know a whole real part of her.

I want to be a real person. I don't want to be negative, but I want to be real.

Day Three

I worked all day. The boys are out of school, so they pretty much ran wild all day long without supervision. I'm sure they loved not having me around to keep them picking up after themselves, cleaning their rooms, doing a few chores, and not watching too much TV. Now, Carson is at a friends house, it's getting close to 10 pm. I told him to tell me where he was going before he left so I could pick him up. Oh my...ugh!

How does this work in with today's challenge of keeping a journal of my uplifting and spiritual thoughts? Right now, I'm anxious, and worried about Carson. I'm sitting by the phone hoping that he calls soon. I'm exhausted from working all day. I didn't really have much of any spiritual experiences today. I forgot to say my prayers this morning, because I slept in a little too long, and jumped out of bed and hurried. Before I go to bed, I will read a few scriptures, and say my nightly prayers. I will try to handle the Carson situation in a Christ-like manner. How is that? Hummm! Some kind of consequence without losing my cool.

I'm Trying...

"Love one another as Jesus loves you. Try to be like him in all that you do. Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought for these are the things Jesus taught."

How can I be gentle and loving when my 11 year old gets out the Halloween face paint and gets it all over the bathroom, his bedroom, and a few nice towels? Oh my! Patience... I'm trying. Today was a good day, full of blessings, and abundance. Keep my thoughts centered on Christ.

Day Two

Christ washed the feet of his guests at the last supper. This was a powerful lesson for me. The humble act was symbolic, more than just the act of washing feet, it was a lesson in service of love in my daily walk of life. He expressed this love to me and all humanity. John 13:14 "If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one anothers feet."

Today the challenge is to take upon myself the name of Christ, remember Him always, and honor his name all day. "When we take His name and always remember Him and keep His commandments, He gives us the greatest blessing He can give us, that is to always have His Spirit to be with us."

Right now I feel His spirit with me. I feel happy, peaceful, and energized. I'm ready to go forth and conquer my day. I have a full life with lots of great relationships and lots to do. I am never bored, but sometimes overwhelmed.

Day One

"If I want to know who Christ is, Come and See." Today I have an invitation to "Come to Christ." Jesus' deciples left their nets and came to Christ. What fills my nets? Time, demands, fear, are these holding me back? What holds me back from developing a relationship with Christ? Today I will first answer these questions and then try to listen to the quiet invitations from the Lord and Come and See.

I am posting this on a blog, so the world can see. I will choose to be open with my thoughts and feelings. I want this to be real, but by doing so I will be more vulnerable. Hopefully, you my reader won't judge to harshly.

I have had some undeniable spiritual experiences, for which I am truly grateful. But, I also have a tendency to question everything. I like to look at both sides of the coin, but sometimes I get myself into faith testing situations by doing this. I have friends and family members who are atheists. The world today seems to have an anti-christian attitude which can subtly creep into my life. Even though I have been a member of the Mormon faith my whole life, sometimes I doubt myself. I don't like that, and that is why I am taking this journey. I want to increase my faith in Jesus Christ. I have a huge desire to know Him more, and to "come unto him."

So why is it that I don't just drop my nets? Laziness, fear, too busy, and there are more. But, that question really isn't that important. What is important is that today I will drop my nets and come and see what Christ has for me. I will listen to the quiet invitations to come unto him, by sincerely seeking to know what He has in store for me today.

This is what I feel the need to do this morning to respond to His quiet invitations:

I shall make a private list.

This is me!

About Me. I grew up in Draper, Utah, and have lived in Utah my entire life of 51 years. I am a Mormon with a great family of 3 boys and 3 girls. Mostly I love my life, but I am always in search of self-improvement.

I took on a challenge today. For 21 days I am going to do and think about things that will bring me closer to Christ. Then on November 18th, I will be presenting what I have learned to my Relief Society friends. I need to see some results, so here I go. I will commit to taking all of the challenges in this book "21 Days Closer to Christ," and recording my results each day.

Each step of the journey introduces a new concept that will help me come to know and recognize the hand of the Lord in my life. With an emphasis on daily scripture study and personal prayer, each chapter concludes with an assignment designed to help me apply and personalize concepts such as humility, gratitude, and listening to the Spirit. In the rush of everyday life, this unique book provides a refreshing pause and the opportunity to focus our efforts on becoming closer to Christ.

I want to see a transformation, and record my journey through words and pictures. So here I go... Watch me.

My Journey Begins

This blog is based one a book titled, "21 Days Closer to Christ" by Emily Freeman. While accepting her challenges for the next 21 days, I hope to find myself closer to Christ.

I'm on a quest, which will be a journey though a process of self improvement, spiritual enlightenment, and commitment to a life of service. I believe by focusing on these aspects, I will significantly improve my life. Follow me through my quest and see how my life changes though the process.